Contempt in Relationships: Why It’s the Biggest Red Flag

Every couple argues. You disagree about money, chores, the in-laws, or whose turn it is to drive the kids to hockey at 6 a.m. Fighting on its own doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble.

Contempt is something else. It’s the eye roll when your partner starts telling you about their day. It’s a sarcastic “Oh, great idea,” or a joke at their expense in front of your friends. It’s disrespectful, and the message underneath goes further than “I’m upset with you.” What it really says is “I’m better than you.”

In this blog, we’ll talk about what contempt in relationships looks like, why researchers call it the number one predictor of divorce, where it tends to come from, and how couples can stop contempt and rebuild respect. Read on…

What Is Contempt in a Relationship?

Contempt is a feeling of being above someone else, usually mixed with disgust, anger, or disappointment. In a romantic relationship, it shows up when one partner treats the other as inferior, foolish, or not worth taking seriously. It can manifest in how someone talks to and behaves toward one’s partner, whether they’re alone or out with friends.

Relationship researcher John Gottman calls contempt one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” That’s his name for four communication patterns that predict a relationship falling apart. The other three are criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and out of all four, Gottman found contempt was the most damaging horseman. You can learn more about how this research is used in couples counselling and in our article on whether couples therapy works.

Contempt vs. Criticism

People often mix up contempt and criticism. Criticism is aimed at your partner’s character, for example “You never help around the house.” Contempt goes a step further and adds mockery, like “Wow, you emptied the dishwasher. Should I throw you a parade?” With criticism, the message is that your partner did something wrong. With contempt, the message is that something is wrong with them.

Signs of Contempt

Contempt can be loud, but it can also be pretty quiet. It shows up in words, in tone, and in body language. Here are some common signs of contempt to watch for, in yourself as much as in your partner.

Verbal Signs

Verbal contempt tends to be the easiest kind to notice. Sarcasm is common, where someone says the opposite of what they mean in a cutting way. Mocking or making fun of a partner is another, such as copying their voice or using a tease about something they’re sensitive about. Name calling (“lazy,” “pathetic,” “idiot”) counts, and so does belittling, for example responding to your partner’s feelings with “Just get over it” or “Stop being so sensitive.” Hostile humour is a sign too, especially jokes made at your partner’s expense in front of other people.

Non-Verbal Signs

Non-verbal cues can send the same message without a word. Common ones are rolling your eyes, a sneer or a smirk, scoffing, a dismissive laugh, and crossing your arms and turning away while your partner is talking.

Gottman’s research found that a partner rolling their eyes during conflict was a strong indicator of trouble ahead. A lot of couples don’t realize they’re communicating non-verbal negatives until someone points it out to them.

Passive-Aggressive Contempt

Contempt isn’t always obvious, but it can be just as destructive when it’s quiet. It can come out in a passive-aggressive comment, in long periods of cold silence, or in a heavy sigh every time your partner makes a decision you don’t agree with.

Why Contempt Is the Number One Predictor of Divorce

In Gottman’s long-term studies of couples, contempt was the single strongest predictor of divorce. It does so much damage because it wears away at the things a relationship stands on, which are respect, trust, and affection.

When contempt becomes a habit, the damage piles up and the negativity spreads into marital life. Your partner stops feeling safe, so they share fewer thoughts and feelings and start to withdraw. Fights get worse, because contempt usually sets off defensiveness and things spiral from there. Intimacy fades, since it’s hard to feel close to someone who looks down on you. Our article on what a lack of intimacy does to a woman goes into that. Being mocked by your spouse day after day also chips away at your confidence, and self-esteem counselling can help with that part.

Some couples don’t even fight anymore. They just quietly stop trying. We call this a silent divorce.

When Contempt Becomes Emotional Abuse

An occasional moment of contempt is a warning sign. Constant contempt that’s meant to control, scare, or humiliate a partner can cross the line into emotional abuse. If you’re afraid of your partner, please read our guide on emotional and psychological abuse or reach out to our abuse counselling team. In Ontario, the Assaulted Women’s Helpline is open 24/7 at 1-866-863-0511. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.

What Causes Contempt to Take Hold?

Contempt almost never comes out of nowhere. It usually builds up slowly from feelings that never got talked about.

Unresolved resentment is a big one. Small hurts that never get addressed can turn into bitterness, and over time that frustration turns into contempt. Unmet needs play a part too. When one partner feels unseen or unsupported for months or years, disappointment can harden into disrespect. Unrealistic expectations, like expecting your partner to read your mind, set things up for letdowns.

Stress matters as well. Little kids, money worries, or caring for aging parents can leave both of you running on empty, with not much patience left over. Some people also grew up in homes where mocking and belittling were normal, so contempt feels like just how families talk. Our article on toxic family members looks at how those patterns get passed down. And contempt is often anger that isn’t being said directly. The anger iceberg can help you see what’s sitting underneath.

It’s worth asking yourself honestly when you started feeling contempt toward your partner, and what was going on between you at the time.

How to Stop Contempt and Rebuild Respect

The good news is that contempt can change. Gottman’s antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation and respect. Here’s what that can look like day to day.

Notice Contempt in Yourself

It’s usually easier to criticize or confront a partner’s contempt than to see our own. So it’s worth paying attention to your own habits first, like eye rolls, a certain tone of voice, or jokes with an edge to them. You can’t change something you haven’t noticed.

Describe Your Feelings, Not Your Partner’s Flaws

When you bring something up, try to communicate how you feel in a respectful, thoughtful way. For example, instead of “You’re so selfish,” you could say “I felt hurt when you made plans without asking me.” Most people find it much easier to listen when they’re hearing about your feelings and needs rather than a list of their flaws, and they’re less likely to get defensive.

Practise Gratitude and Appreciation

Look for the things your partner does well and say them out loud. “Thanks for making the kids’ lunches” or “I liked how you handled that call with your mom” go a long way. Gottman’s research suggests that during conflict, stable couples have about five positive interactions for every negative one.

Remember Why You Chose Each Other

Remind each other of your early days together, what drew you to each other, and the good times you’ve had. Looking through old photos or going back to the place you had your first date can help bring back some fondness and admiration.

Show Empathy, Even When You Disagree

You don’t have to agree with your partner to understand them. Try to see it from their side. Empathy and compassion help break the cycle of contempt and strengthen your relationship. If talking feels impossible right now, communication therapy can help you find new ways to talk to each other.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

When contempt has been part of the relationship for a long time, it’s hard to change it on your own. Couples therapy gives you a neutral space where both of you feel heard, and you can lean on someone trained to help with the expression of difficult feelings.

A couples therapist can help you spot contemptuous patterns as they happen and understand the hurt and resentment underneath them. You’ll learn calmer ways to bring up complaints, and how to repair things after a hurtful fight. Over time, the goal is to rebuild mutual respect, affection, and intimacy.

Therapists often use ideas from the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy to help couples strengthen their relationship. Psychology research suggests that couples therapy can help partners change contemptuous behaviour. If you’re not sure it’s worth the time, our article on whether marriage counselling works looks at what the research says.

If one of you isn’t ready for couples work, individual counselling can still help you understand your part in the pattern and figure out what you want.

Final Thoughts

Contempt is one of the clearest signs a relationship is in trouble, because it eats away at the respect love needs. Noticing it, though, also gives you a chance to turn things around.

With honesty, appreciation, empathy, and some support, many couples break the cycle of contempt and get back to a place where both people feel valued.

Our therapists offer couples counselling in Barrie, couples counselling in Newmarket, marriage counselling, and online relationship counselling across Ontario. Contact us to book a session and start rebuilding respect in your relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does contempt look like in a relationship?

In most couples we see, it comes out as disrespect, mockery, or a sense that one person is better than the other.

• Sarcasm: Remarks that are framed as jokes but are really meant to put the other person down.
• Eye rolling: One of the most common non-verbal signs, and one of the easiest to miss in yourself.
• Name calling: Insults about your partner’s character or intelligence, even “just kidding” ones.
• Mocking: Copying their voice or making fun of something they care about.
• Brushing feelings off: Telling your partner they’re overreacting or being too sensitive.

Can a relationship recover from contempt?

Yes. We’ve seen many couples turn things around when both partners are willing to put in the work.

• Awareness: The first step is for each of you to start noticing when contempt comes up.
• Commitment: This only works if both people genuinely want to rebuild the relationship.
• New habits: With practice, appreciation and respect gradually replace the mockery.
• Repair: Real apologies and empathy help heal old hurts.
• Support: A couples therapist can often help you get there faster.

Why is contempt so damaging to a relationship?

Because it goes after your partner’s sense of worth, not just something they did.

• Superiority: It tells your partner you think you’re better than them.
• Feeling unsafe: The other person stops sharing what’s really going on with them.
• Bigger fights: It sets off defensiveness, and arguments get worse.
• Distance: Affection and intimacy slowly fade.
• Divorce risk: Research links it more strongly to separation than any other pattern.

What is the antidote to contempt?

According to Gottman, it’s building a culture of appreciation and respect.

• Gratitude: Thanking your partner for ordinary things, like making coffee or picking up the kids, matters more than it seems.
• Admiration: If you notice something you respect about your partner, tell them.
• Gentle start-up: Raise a complaint by talking about the situation, not by attacking the person.
• Empathy: Try to understand your partner’s point of view, even when you still disagree with it.
• More positives: Aim for many more good moments than bad ones.

How do I stop feeling contempt toward my partner?

Start by getting curious about the feelings underneath it.

• Name the resentment: Figure out what hurt or disappointed you in the first place.
• Ask for what you need: Saying it plainly works better than letting it come out as sarcasm.
• Take a break: When you feel contempt rising, step away and cool off first.
• Look for the good: Remind yourself of the qualities you still value in them.
• Get help: A therapist can help you work through what’s driving it.