Ages and Stages Through Divorce

Separation and divorce are big events in anyone’s life, no matter how old you are. Even though we are all unique, there are life stages that influence how we will react and handle changes. Here is how children, from infants through to teenagers, may experience divorce.

Age: Infant to 2

Feelings and fears:

  • Changes to routine
  • Parental stress

How you know they are in trouble:

  • Development milestones not met
  • Changes in sleeping or eating
  • Temperament change, i.e., fussiness

What you can do:

  • Give time to attach
  • Calm, soothing interactions
  • Ensure a regular routine
  • Provide a stable base

Age: 2-4

Feelings and fears:

  • Abandonment
  • Tension.
  • Guilt – I am the centre of my world so I must have caused this

How you know they are in trouble:

  • Changes in sleeping, eating or toileting
  • Acting younger than they are (regression)
  • Show their fears
  • Late development

What you can do:

  • Reassure them that they are loved, they will be okay, they are safe and secure
  • Keep the divorce talk simple
  • Permit “baby” behaviours but remind of “big kid” actions
  • Ensure a regular routine

Age: 4-6

Feelings and fears

  • Afraid they will be divorced
  • Terrified
  • Guilt and more guilt
  • Wishes about the divorce

How you know they are in trouble:

  • Nightmares, hypersensitive, sorrowful, disobedience, regression, separation anxiety
  • Strange divorce fantasies

What you can do:

  • Read divorce stories, play separation games
  • Simply explanation the situation
  • Let other caregivers know
  • Teach, show, and demonstrate ways to express feelings
  • Ensure a regular routine and predictability

Age: 6-10

Feelings and fears

  • Want parents to reunite
  • Anger towards parents
  • Grieving

How you know they are in trouble:

  • Try to get parents back together
  • Act out parent fights
  • Anxiety, depression, preoccupied, crying, temper tantrums
  • Become a caregiver to parent

What you can do:

  • Simply explanation the divorce, that there will be no reconciliation
  • Accept, listen, nurture, play, teach
  • Ensure a regular routine
  • Work with other caregivers
  • Shield from parental conflict

Age: 10-14

Feelings and fears

  • Need to take charge
  • Feel powerless in their life
  • Tsunami of grief and loss
  • See double standards in parents’ behaviour and dialogue

How you know they are in trouble:

  • Struggle to understand
  • Depressive symptoms: problems with sleep, concentration, motivation
  • Mean behaviour towards parents
  • Physical complaints – body pain
  • Defiance, refusals, accusing

What you can do:

  • Listen and acknowledge this is hard to understand
  • Ensure a regular routine and self-care
  • Set limits and reasonable consequences
  • Reassure and demonstrate love
  • Maintain simple expectations
  • Work with other parent

Age: 14-18

Feelings and fears

  • Need to be the adult
  • Angry, sad, lost
  • Looking for healthy role models for relationships

How you know they are in trouble:

  • Teen problems, delinquency, risky behaviours
  • Anxious about their own relationships
  • Lack control, easily angered
  • Withdrawn, isolated

What you can do:

  • Role model self-care and coping
  • Build esteem
  • Still be their parent; provide boundaries, supervision and expectations
  • Promote open communication
  • Make sure you connect regularly

Children and teens will have different challenges, depending on their age during the divorce. Watch for these signs so you can meet their unique needs.