Feeling Angry With Your Spouse? What Not to Do

Many couples who come to Family TLC say they either avoid talking about things so they don’t get angry or somebody blows up and then the conversation gets heated. This is typical for couples who have never learned how to express anger in a healthy way.

If you think “healthy anger” sounds like a contradiction, you’re not alone. Yet it is possible to calmly talk about the things that you are angry about, resolve those conflicts and then get back to enjoying each other’s company.

Feeling Angry?

Here’s What Not to Do
Do Instead
  • Ask “why” questions, e.g., “Why did you come home late?” These questions cause people to get defensive.
  • Ask “what” or “how” questions, e.g., “What did you do before you came home?”
  • Bring up the past. The past is done, pointing out someone’s past mistakes is pointless and not helpful.
  • Stay focused on the present and future. Look for positive solutions.
  • Use “you” statements. By telling the other person what they need to do to fix the situation, you’re giving away all the power because things can only get better if they change.
  • Use “I” statements. Focus on things you can do. This you can control.
    You will feel more empowered to fix or change things.
  • Compare the person to someone else. This will usually come out like an insult and only hurts your partner.
  • Keep the conversation focused on
    the two of you.
  • Use “always” or “never” statements. They are hopeless and untrue, and
    will just push your partner to become defensive.
  • Stay focused on the present and leave out the past. Avoid using definitive words and stay open to new possibilities.
  • Combine “you” statements with “always” or “never.” Those are
    fighting words.
  • Use “I” statements and only make realistic promises. For example, “I will remind myself to stop yelling,” versus, “I will never yell again.”
  • Resort to name calling. This type of attack will only cause defensiveness.
  • Only use the person’s name.

If there is something in your marriage that needs to be addressed, take a deep breath, stay calm and practice the communication strategies in the right-hand column above.