The SCAR Experience in Separation

When working with clients navigating a separation, it is important to understand the journey of their emotional state and what this may look like. Whether you are a family mediator, family lawyer, couples counsellor or divorce professional, being able to acknowledge and recognize the emotional stages your clients will go through is imperative to their readiness to negotiate and come to agreements.  

The emotional stages of separation and divorce can look like these four emotions: Shock, Crumbling, Adjusting and then Relief (S.C.A.R.). These emotions are not linear, but ebb and flow with the growth the individual experiences. Both partners will experience these emotions, however, they can often look different and occur at various times during the separation process.  

SHOCK: Every individual experiences the shock stage, as the initiator or not, having the first realization that the marriage is ending or approaching the end is difficult to grasp. Altering your perception from “I am married” to “we are separating” results in a shift in self-identity. At this stage, each person is attempting to grasp to repair or partake in steps to stop the end. This often looks different for each person.  

CRUMBLING: This stage is arguably the most difficult to pass through, as it often feels like a downward spiral. This occurs when the individual realizes the marriage is done and nothing can be done to salvage it. The individual is starting the journey of loss and grieving the relationship, their identity, their previous visions of the future, home and more.  

ADJUSTING: This stage is described as up and down. This is where the individual in one moment is thinking about rebuilding their future and displaying glimmers of hope, and can quickly spike down to experiencing feelings of pain and fear overtaking their rational thoughts. However, this stage shows a slow climb to a new identity, new story with the grief becoming bearable, less exhausting and developing healthy coping strategies.  

RELIEF: Self-reflection and growth are the milestones of this stage, where each individual can take ownership and blame for the relationship, but leave it in the past. Not every individual will experience this stage, as they can be held back by irrational behaviours, unhelpful anger, guilt or resentment. The achievement of this stage is a true blessing of a change in perspective and happiness in the present with hopes for the future.  

It is true that the ending of a significant relationship does leave a scar. How you manage the transition determines how big the scar is and whether it stays an open wound or heals nicely so it is hardly noticeable.  

If you are looking for more information on the process of separation or seeking a divorce professional contact Family TLC to book a consultation today.